SweetLifeStories Diabetes Blog

I’ve been crazily busy the last two weeks with really cool pursuits; entering three of my photos into the local state fair, assisting the professional judging panel for three straight l-o-n-g evenings of judging professional and amateur images, running my dog in our very first agility fun match, putting together my first tile mosaic project. All great stuff. And so demanding of immersion and my attention that I started to lose focus on managing my blood sugars.

What a double-edged sword; such joy in throwing myself into tackling projects and activities that make my heart sing, and make me nearly forget about shouldering the physical and psychological burdens that come with living day to day with diabetes. Yet, in the totally blissful immersion of my mind and body, comes an affront in the shape of creeping blood sugar levels that I can feel in my aching hands. Inattention to the diabetes, I guess, gone unnoticed and maybe even subconsciously tucked aside because I didn’t have time to deal with it while having so much fun, loving life and all I’m doing!

When I had an opportunity to print out some photographic images with my friend Eric, president of our local camera club, he posed an interesting challenge to me:  ”To get better and move to the next level, you need to think about choosing a focus, immersing yourself in it, and learning all you can about it; so what topic do you think will be your  focus this year?” And of course, immersed in the context of striving to be a skilled photographer worthy of National Geographic stature, I was willing to struggle with that issue. Portraiture? Abstracts? Landscapes? Cultural Photojournalism? Motion photography?  My mind spun with delight at the possibilities. All important to learn; each one filled with lessons and opportunities.

And then I thought (a little grudgingly, I’ll admit);  Hmmm. Not so different in terms of what I have to do every day and every week of my life with diabetes. Strategize about compositional elements: what makes me strong?  Analyze what’s right, and what’s not working for me. Readjust my position.  And sometimes, hit delete and be willing to start over and forgive myself for my mistakes. Focus, I realize, is key to everything.

Definitely not easy to do when it’s so personal, but I’m still learning, every day, how life and art are so integrated.  CLICK.

   D-I-A  Lament *

written by Kathy Richter-Sand

DIAbetic, dietetic:

My reaction’s so pathetic:

D-I-A words make me cringe

sending DIAstolic to the fringe.

What’s that you say? Why this reaction?

Oh my gosh, the stupefaction!

What of all those DIAtribes?

The endless advice so prescribed

by neighbors, friends, docs, nurses, too;

Why can’t this topic be taboo?

I’d consider a short DIAlogue

but my gut reaction wants to flog

my DIAbolic pancreas—

so cantankerous and non-robust.

My brain is sore with DIA-terms;

whooshing nonstop, I’ve had to learn

not only glucose ups and downs;

but Type 1 pumping words abound.

Go exercise but don’t forget now:

Eat food first, yet lose weight somehow!

Pass me that cake with artificial sweetener;

What’s that you say? Beware DIArrhea?

As for complications, convey no more!

I shout: Not me; I will endure!

Not whining much ‘bout circumstance;

just pleading for a fighting chance.

Don’t mean to threaten sabotage;

just wanna run, some days, from the DIA-barrage!

 * The poem D-I-A Lament was inspired by memories of how, as a teen, I used to cringe in embarrassment whenever anyone mentioned a word starting with “dia” (as in diabetes).  So I decided, once and for all, to serve that memory up with a dose of humor in my battle to ceremoniously give a good kick in the pants to those old feelings!

Ok; self-introspection is not the easiest thing to do, but hearing from an old h.s. friend in whom I once was interested in dating seems to have plopped me into the “what if” realm of thinking! And that’s sometimes tempting, right? innocent, fun, and a little magical; an escape from real-life challenges . . .

So taking a few mental steps back into my past, I remember the excitement I felt at finding a new friend in my English class (I’ll call him Eric) who seemed as thrilled as me about our topic of studying the poetic lyricism of Simon and Garfunkel, along with a number of other songwriters-poets. And as we connected, I thought: I really like this guy. I wondered: How much do we have in common? Is Eric interested in me? What do I think about how this connection might evolve? Okay, I’ll just admit it; I was smitten.

Truthfully, I was a girl in love, at the time, with the idea of being in love. Magical thinking was a terrific lure from my feelings of self-doubt in those years. Over the next few months, despite my obvious feelings for him, it turns out that Eric let me know he thought of me only as a friend, a sister of sorts. I was crushed, despite his attempt to write a beautiful letter filled with words trying not to bring me down. So who knows what might have been?

I moved on and dated many other guys until finding an amazing friend and partner in my college years with whom I chose to share life’s experiences. I can say I chose well and that I’m happy, even in spite of all the challenges I’ve had to face living day to day with diabetes’ plaguing issues; blood sugar swings, denial, doubting myself and my own worth, countless hand surgeries and shoulder surgery from the effects of long-term abnormal blood sugar levels on microvascular tissues and tendons . . . not to mention the occasional verbal bloopers inflicted on my poor hubbie when my blood sugars dip way too low or jump excessively high. Bless his heart; he actually is often able to find a way to laugh WITH me as he helps me deal with these situations.

But thinking back–way back to the magical lure of high school years–I recall feeling tremors to the pit of my soul. It’s because you’re flawed, I heard inside my own head. He doesn’t want to take on someone with diabetes . . .  and You’ll never find anyone willing to be with you. I was angry and necessarily distant, at least for a while, while I grappled with these feelings.

These are just a few of the emotional issues that get inside my head, living so long with this devil of a disease.  And through years of meeting people–whether as dates or potential friends or partners–the messages played this same dire song. Unnerving. Questioning. Threatening defeat.

The antidote, I’ve found out over time, is to focus on the here and now; investing my heart and mind in doing things that make me smile and push myself forward. To know that by taking small(er) steps, I can actually reach goals and feel “grounded” about myself and the work I do. And often, that work includes doing things for others; it’s such a magical way to stop focusing on and worrying only about me and my own problems.  Learning more, over time, about how to open up and give has quieted the disheartening threat of my fears. 

Traveling this road between “then” and “now”, I realize there is a difference between what my journey might have been and the beauty of what actually IS.