SweetLifeStories Diabetes Blog

A lot of people think being stubborn is an unhealthy trait. But for me, I can see that my refusal to give in to the impact diabetes has on me physically and emotionally has served a purpose. A great one. And that is refusing to give up on moving forward. Sometimes the steps aren’t easy. Other times I have been furious at being so different from friends and family. I’ve certainly cried my share of self-pity party tears–haven’t we all? I’ve sometimes run away from facing diabetes straight on. But give in? Not yet.

That’s why I read, with interest, this recent article from a 1994-2008 study on just how serious the impact is on most people who have diabetes:

Quotes can be inspirational, but too often they’re a royal pain in the rear–dredging up feelings I’d rather ignore or experiences I’d rather leave in my past.  Too preachy. More often than not, condescending. But sometimes, yes, I’ll admit there are times when a good one comes along that can change your day, light a smile, and inspire you to dig in harder to face some of the obstacles in your path.

I signed up a few months back to get online delivery of daily quotes through Inspirational Daily. Some days, admittedly, I choose to hit “delete.” And just like that, the pressure of having to face someone else’s idea of inspiration is gone (LOL)! But there are other days I’m more open to ponder the connections between how I live my life and the daily quote sent out through someone’s else’s website. Yesterday was one of those days, when my email delivered a doozy to my virtual doorstep and I chose to hit “read.” Here’s what grabbed me:

You’ve got to follow your passion. You’ve got to figure out what it is you love–who you really are. And have the courage to do that. I believe that the only courage anybody ever needs is the courage to follow your own dreams.   —Oprah Winfrey

Well, dear Oprah, there’s a reason your quote reasonated with me! It’s through digging deep into what I love to do that I can forget my worries about living with long-term diabetes. Instead of being tempted by foods I shouldn’t eat 24/7, I’m happy to be digging in my garden until my blood sugar drops so low that I have to legitimately eat! I’m carried away by shaping clay on my humming potter’s wheel into a miraculous vessel, or trying to master applying a Photoshop action to one of my beloved photographs, or making the right connection with one of my sweet dogs so that she goes sailing over jumps and swishes perfectly through her agility weave poles . . .  It’s all beautiful when those efforts work.

Kath on potters wheel in Japan

It doesn’t really matter what your passions and talents are. They’re “happiness channels”–there for the taking, helping us feel better about ourselves. My happiness makes those around me happier, too. But most important for me, my passions move me into another dimension–one far removed from the everyday burdens of living with (and worrying about) diabetes. I am someone else in the time I spend passionately engaged in things I love to do. That, alone, is worth the time and space it takes to grapple with the daily onslaught of quotes delivered to my virtual doorstep!

B well, b happy, and pursue your passions. Somehow, they are all magically linked!

Until next time, kath

There’s NOTHING more upsetting, more disappointing, more stress-producing to someone living with diabetes or another long-term health problem than finding out their doctor is simply not a supportive team member. And by “team member,” I mean these things–all of which are essential, in my opinion, to helping me live with the ups and downs of diabetes!–

ESSENTIAL PATIENT-DOCTOR FOUNDATIONS TO BEING ABLE TO LIVE HAPPILY AND WELL include:

   1- open communication

   2- good listening skills

   3- positive outlook

   4- collaboration and TEAMWORK at all times!

   5- problem-solving skills

   6- mutual sense of caring and respect

   7- the ability to share and exchange what you know about diabetes

   8- helpful connections to professionals who can make a difference in how you deal with diabetes

   9- mutual ability to set goals and work steadily to reach them

  10- HOPE . . . POSITIVITY . . . and a BELIEF THAT ALL THINGS GOOD ARE POSSIBLE!

Why am I so burned about these issues? I have spent the better part of four years working with an endocrinologist most people rave about–only to continue hitting my head against the wall, believing he’d indeed come to know me, value my experiences, help me live better with diabetes. Recently, I swallowed hard and talked to him about what I needed from him to do well. This took courage. Staying with him was my mistake; I assumed that, given enough time, he’d come to care about me and my struggles to maintain the best blood sugars possible. So I’ll admit it right now: I was wrong! Assumptions are almost always the breeding ground for miscommunication and differences.

Yesterday, two things happened that hit me smack in the face after nearly four years of struggling to connect with “one of the best endocrinologists” in my health care plan:  My doctor–overwhelmed by entering data into a system requiring computerized (versus paper-filled) medical records–asked me question after question that proved he didn’t remember much of anything about me and doesn’t regard me as a collaborator in how “we” try to manage my diabetes issues.

“So,” he started (50 minutes later than my scheduled appointment time), “your HA1C went up and you’re not in very good control.” No questions, no problem-solving. In fact, he was so focused on his system’s red tape accountability and his own personal problems, he didn’t even follow through on the fact that no one had downloaded information from my insulin pump or blood sugar machine. Sighing, no direct eye contact, entering the most basic information including, “How long have you had diabetes?” For this, I waited an hour?

The second glaring incident came after I went home following my appointment with Dr. T. My husband related that when he’d been contacted by the doctor on call regarding his sinus infection, it was my doc who called him back. Their exchange went something like this:  “Hello, this is Dr. T.”  “Oh,” my husband replied, “Hi, Dr. T. You treat my wife Kathy for diabetes.” The shocking undeniable proof of his response? “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe. I have so many patients. What’s your problem?”

For THIS I worked four years, hoping that I could help shape this “great” doc into someone who could make a difference both for me and others? His depressed and negative attitude may be symptoms of a system that is overwhelming all of our physicians. And he has been slammed with coming to terms with developing  his own diabetes (Type 2). But I can finally solidly say, THIS IS NO EXCUSE! Everyone living with serious health issues deserves better and should seek out the best possible team you can find. Each one of us deserves to be part of that team!

So I indeed feel like a fool–disappointed, saddened, a little hopeless right now. My doctor has committed the ultimate sin by not respecting and including me. I perhaps did the same–by trusting too much, waiting too long, not listening to the warning signs  because I feared seeking out a better partner from the great unknown. But my anger at myself for allowing this situation to fester is starting to work a magic of its own–empowering me to move forward and willfully take (and demand) a different–and more positive–path. We all deserve at least that.

B well, b happy, and live life to the fullest.

Until next time, kath

What does it take to stay healthy in terms of nutrition?  I just read a report on the newly-discovered reason for the soaring rate of diabetes hitting Americans, and of all things, it tries to place blame not on supersized portions being eaten, but on people’s propensity to snack too much.

First, I laughed in disbelief. We all know the enormous portions we’re surrounded with everyday. All you have to do is look at the number (and general size) of people dining at restaurant buffet bars. It’s a lot like taking a cruise . . . and justifying taking “just a taste” of this dish or that. Too easy to do for all of us; harder to set limits on eating only the foods we need to satisfy being physically (versus emotionally) hungry!

But snacking? Come on! This is harder for me to accept as the whole truth for pushing the number of people being diagnosed worldwide with diabetes into the stratosphere. While I know that vending machines, snack-stop markets, and fast food chains are guilty of plying the public with high-calorie, fat-saturated, and sugar-loaded foods and desserts, are we really eating too much, too often? Maybe I’m out of the loop–being so prone to soaring blood sugars if I snack on these foods. For me, a small piece of fresh fruit (only if I’m physically active), a tiny bite of dark chocolate, a piece of cheese, some pb–these work to keep my energy up when I really do need a snack.

Like everyone, I have to strive to be very aware of how much I let myself eat in general. I have to look at the nutritional information on every package and count out the exact number of crackers and “dial” the exact carb count into my insulin pump so that I can get a pretty accurate dose of insulin to “cover” (or work on) the carbohydrates I put into my body. I do this with more accuracy than not–especially when I’m home–every single day.

But there are real problems when I’m away from home and snacking OR eating a meal. Most restaurants still don’t break down foods for us so we can judge how much to eat–or whether to order something else. When I’ve asked for this information, I still get looks from people that suggest I’m being compulsive! But I can’t let these impressions break down my own mission to do what I need to do to stay healthy–in spite of the food industry’s mission to sell to and overfeed us!

Read the article and see what you think. I’ll bet the reasons for Americans gaining weight are a lot more complex than what’s pointed out here, but it’s–if you’ll pardon the expression–good food for thought . . .  As for me, my blood sugar is a solid 85 and I’m going out to work in my garden to finish laying a new pebble path after I count out 6 carbs of peanuts which equals approximately 45 peanuts which requires .4 units of insulin . . . which gives you an idea of the monkey on my back . . . ha, ha! You get the idea!

Until later.

b well, be happy, Kath

Today is just one of those days when I find myself running around like a chicken with my head cut off!  BUSY and catching up, like we all find ourselves doing so often. So when I stopped for a few minutes to test my blood sugar level before fixing lunch, I played my daily guessing game. “Sixty-seven,” I announced to myself. “Sixty-five,” came back the reading on my meter. Hmmmm, not bad . . . you rock, girl! I was thrilled to be in such close touch with sensing my body signals and being in “good” control.

Ah–there’s that word that invokes guilt; control. What does it mean? Not every day is under your control when you live with diabetes, right? Hour to hour can find me moving from plummeting sugars to skyrocketing ones that make me feel sick as a dog. This happened to me earlier in the week during a four-day local dog show where I showed my 9 month old puppy Tess. I started off the morning congratulating myself on having a great blood sugar of 109. Ate a plate of eggs, knowing the protein would hold me. Three hours later amid the jitters (and adrenaline) of waiting, worrying, and then going into the show ring, my body was itching from the inside out. What was it? A blood sugar level of 311! Had I eaten anything? No. But stress and stress alone did me in. I had to go home after taking a large bolus of insulin from my pump and sleep it off–aggravated to have wasted the rest of the day.

A friend later asked, “Hey, isn’t the reason you wear an insulin pump so you can give more insulin when you need it–or not?” Guilt being my middle name, the question about why I didn’t test sooner to pre-empt my terribly high sugar level really bothered me.

Then, I realized what I was thinking at the time–sometimes, to figure out what works in terms of patterns, we have to grant ourselves time to experience what it really is that we have to do to function well and maintain control. In other words, I knew I had to observe the impact of stress on my blood sugar while handling my dog in the show ring. After it happened, I knew for sure that I had to counteract the rise in my sugar level the next day with just a touch of insulin.

What a fine line we have to walk–always deciding on not taking or doing too little versus not taking or doing too much–just to stay in control. Food, special treats, exercise, sleep, meds, travel–it’s all the same. Doing what works best to control your own health and enjoying your own life is what counts. That’s what I call being in control–but in a meaningful way.

And speaking of control, this week, the TCOYD (Taking Control of Your Diabetes) conference comes to Albuquerque! Looking forward to sharing my blog with others and inviting you to join in on sharing your thoughts about the challenges of living with or being touched by diabetes, as well as how and where you find the inspiration to overcome its challenges and live life to the fullest every single day!

Until later, b well, b happy. Kath

Oh my, how did I forget to consider the restorative power of getting enough sleep?!? Every once in a while when I go in to see a doctor or physician’s assistant or nurse for something, I’ll hear: ‘Yes, diabetes wears down the body ‘ . . . or ‘Diabetes strips the body of nutrients’ . . . or ‘Diabetics really need more sleep than the average person–about 8 hours–so their bodies can repair themselves from the toll it takes on them.’

Such a simple thing to do for all of us–diabetic or not–but so hard to remember when you’re in the rush of work or meeting obligations or in deadline (sometimes self-imposed) project mode!

Enough sleep is a magical gift. Most of us probably don’t give ourselves this simple luxury often enough. Maybe I’ll just have to consider skipping my next morning meeting or that dreaded early morning exercise class?!?

B well, b happy, and b rested.

Until next time, kath

How many times do we have to experience trials or defeat–whether in our own lives or those of friends and family we love–before it all adds up to feeling like we’re running into a brick wall and there’s no place to go? Forward, and with a positive mental outlook, that is? What are the things that trigger feelings of being a victim, being unable to win even a few points in the game of life, and block us from jumping into the things we love to do with gusto?

Sometimes it’s so hard, living so long with diabetes. For me, that’s 47 years this month. I find the ups and downs from my ever-changing blood sugars infiltrating my thinking, turning the positive viewpoint into negative. Not always, of course, but it can be overwhelming emotionally.

Small pains, like what I have recently felt in one of my feet, can trigger enormous fears that stem from the warnings that bombard us of what can happen if you don’t take care of yourself. Those stats aren’t pretty. And even if you do your best, the threats to life and limb if you live with diabetes are still there, insidiously chipping away at your mental health. It’s is so much work not to fall into the stance of being a victim when life feels discouraging! How do we combat this constant worry when every issue is so, well, real?

I’ve spent a few days worrying about the pain in my foot. I’ve limped around, feeling frightened beyond measure that it could mean something terrible–amputation, just one of a diabetic’s worst imaginings.  There, I’ve stated one of the complications I never ever want to think about!  But . . . what to do? Always looking to be proactive, I went to exercise class and wore good shoes. I attended a boot camp (once!) seeking to lower my glucose level. I soaked my foot. I made an appointment with my accupuncturist to have her look at my foot and treat it, thinking it wouldn’t hurt to increase blood flow. But today, still no change for the better. A downer, for sure.

Finally, I’ve decided to turn this bruising mental game around. After working the morning in the clay studio and hoping to lose my worries in coveted creative time, I finally confronted my pain and shouted NO MORE!  I am calling my doc’s assistant–someone I trust–to let her know about my foot (which feels like injured tendons or stretched ligaments). I’ll see her in just a few days.

Being a Type I diabetic most of my life, I can sometimes be melodramatic about the “what if’s” — but so what? Recognizing what I don’t want to happen (complications!) compels me to be more proactive about my health, and less willing to take the brunt of whatever issues come my way. I work hard to physically manage my diabetes. Being mentally on top of the game is admittedly harder, but the way we face our real health issues and manage our fears is all part of the game of life. I do the best I can, which is usually enough. So, I hope, will you.

B well, b happy. 

Until next time, kath

When Reporters Become Targets

 Perspective

CBS News / AP

Until next time, kath

All in my quest to stay active and healthy both physically and mentally, I’ve been calendar-driven and goal-focused to the max. It’s not only friends and family who can’t believe how full my days are; I, too, wonder how I’ll get through most everything on my list. I mentally check off everything a week contains: a writing-critique group meeting, dog classes, 2 clay classes, photography club, calling (and maybe trying to get over to see) my parents. The list goes on and on. But then I take a deep breath and think, So what if not everything gets done? It’s working on the process that counts, and whatever goals and tasks haven’t been “checked off” should be worthy of my continued attention over a longer period of time.

So I am left wondering about the “whys” of overfilling my lists each day, week, month. There’s no doubt that keeping busy staves off overeating and my fears about the future.  But then I take another look, noting that most of my activities are fun. Meaningful, too. Staying so busy, keeping my daily life brimming with learning opportunities and connections with others makes me happy. Provides a road toward new skills, some laughter along the way, and anticipating new challenges with more zest than trepidation.

But I know, too, that building in some give time is essential. “Give time” . . . as in giving meaningful time to connect to others, and allowing myself time to reflect, to revamp direction and some of my efforts, where necessary. Thus comes the big question on how to manage adding too much: 2 new writing groups; 5 dog classes;  a multitude of springtime dog trials and shows; 1 new mentor photography group filled with amazing women and potential friends; weekly visits with one dog to hospice patients; all important, rewarding, and somewhat altruistic, right?

So why the nagging? Why do I still find myself struggling with how to embed the highest priority item of exercise into my routine: walking every day, for instance, or exercising somewhere–anywhere!–to manage my blood sugars, keep my heart healthy, and help my body and mind stay strong after so many years of living with Type 1 diabetes.  So I’m struggling, realizing that the 3-4x I’ve committed to x-c skiing and snowshoeing every winter month–for me an extraordinary commitment–are still not enough.

How much IS enough? Am I being too hard on myself? Or do I reluctantly realize that the Number One priority of physically taking care of yourself every single day when you live with diabetes cannot have much “give” to it month after month, year after year? So many of us can rationalize this issue by saying: both physical and mental nourishment go hand-in-hand. One is void without the other. But I sure wish–I think I wish–I knew the answer!

Until next time. B well, b happy, Kath

i got a FB FRIEND REQUEST just the other day–from someone i don’t know at all. clicking on his picture, i saw that he lives near where i grew up in the Philly burbs and that he knows a number of my “old” h.s. friends.  seems really nice and grounded. Mickey included info on raising three kids mostly on his own. one of those kids passed away just last year of complications  from the H1N1 swine flu. WOA! What if that happened to someone I love?

that got me. got me thinking about family and kids and all that really matters in life. and that we just don’t ever know what will happen as we turn corners in our lives.

this is something i wrestle with all the time. i often feel that most everything i do has a purpose, is meaningful and well thought out, and that i have more control over events in my life. probably a delusion, but pretty powerful thinking nonetheless. the type that has pushed me to move forward in my own life, trying to make meaningful decisions.

thinking back on raising the second of my two kids–my son–i was supremely aware that his background connected him to the very real possibility of someday developing diabetes. his biological aunt had type 1. she lived about 40 years with its impact. there were so many times, wrapped in feelings of love for my son, that i occasionally offered up a prayer to the heavens and pleaded, please keep him well. you already “have” me with diabetes, so don’t let his life be altered, darkened, robbed by this disease. PLEASE.

so i’d offer up promises, like always. deals meant to stave off misfortune, like: i‘ll commit myself to raising money this year to combat diabetes and help find a cure. OR, i‘ll spend a week at the local summer camp for kids, listening, being a quiet and strong role model, helping with anything and everything that’s needed.

these promises have almost always worked to make me a better person. but are they at best a coping mechanism? self-serving rather than working for the better good?

i don’t know. i only know i have a lot to be grateful for. Even when dark thoughts fill my head, i can eventually get up and step back on the path to somehow recapture a sense of  gratefulness and happiness amid my efforts to try to make a difference in this world.

i often think:  there but for the grace of God, go I . . .  and perhaps due to living with diabetes and developing an admittedly imperfect but conscious empathy for those around me, i definitely am learning to treasure every moment of this journey.